Wow. Is this subject line going to get me into trouble with someone. But it’s true. My experience of social workers has been of petty bureaucrats who just revel in the (ab)use of their petty power, especially when the people over whom they exercise this power are most emotionally vulnerable, which, regrettably, often they are. Apologies to all the kind, people-oriented sensitive social workers who I’m sure must exist somewhere out there.

The first adoption agency Dan and I went to specialized in international adoptions from Korea. We would have loved to have our second child be a child of the world – different from us. Because we felt that the world is a small place and growing smaller, and to feel the love of a parent for a child so genetically different would be a privilege and a joy. Regrettably, when we began the home study (a humiliating process in which a, yes, social worker determines whether you are fit to be a parent – unlike the process by which any rape or one-night stand can result in an un-studied parenthood), I stupidly mentioned that in addition to trying to adopt, we were still also trying to conceive a child, though without much hope. The logic was clear and not at all ugly. We wanted a second child. Adoption is not the world’s most pleasant process (diplomatically expressed understatement here). So if by some miracle conception actually occurred, we’d go with that instead. If not, well, on with adopting. The social worker immediately concluded that we hadn’t sufficiently grieved for the child we were unable to conceive. This was so far from how we felt that it astonished us, but there was no arguing with her. She put the home study on hold and required us to see a “grieving counselor”.

The grieving counselor told us that many couples adopting their second child after giving birth to their first do not go through a grieving process, the way those who are unable to conceive initially often do. She also said that the social worker, who had recently adopted a child after being unable to conceive, had gone through considerable grieving and might have thought it applied to everybody. She (the grieving counselor) feared that our chances of a successful home study with this agency were ruined because of the social worker’s view of us. She advised us to see an adoption-agency expert regarding what we should do.

The adoption-agency expert confirmed that our chances with this agency were ruined because of this social worker, and she pointed us toward another agency.

Eventually, through a fairy-tale story not relevant here, we successfully adopted Margot, our much-loved, difficult, beautiful, inventive, smart, contrary daughter.

Now we want to find Margot’s birth mother. We are working with a thoughtful and sensitive counselor in this process, but the search has naturally led us to the adoption agency that Margot came through. And its current social worker.

I will quote in full my report to our counselor (from today), leaving out only the actual names of the agency and its staff. Perhaps other adoptive parents have had better results with these people.

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“I called [X Agency] again. This time I got a different person – one M. She was much nicer to deal with than the other person I talked with before (N), who never called me back. Unfortunately, it appears that N is the boss/social worker and M is only the assistant. So in dealing with them, I still would have to deal with N. However, as N was not in the office, M looked up the file for me while I waited on hold. (N could have done this easily, and probably did as she had also put me on hold. But she had been unwilling to tell me anything, saying that she wanted more time to look up the file. I’m pretty sure she must have been lying to me, but I don’t understand why.)

“There was nothing there from any of the birth family. (That is, the file did not exist, and it would have been created had any communication been left for us from any of them in the last 10-12 years.)

“I left another message for N asking her to call me back regarding what they would see as next steps in trying to contact the birth mother. However, once again, N has not called me back. I am thinking that I neither want to nor need to deal with this agency any more.”

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We will find Margot’s birth family. Fortunately, we don’t need this agency and are not at N’s mercy.

But someone maybe ought to remind me what social workers are good for exactly, if anyone has any concept of it. Because I don’t.