Amber, in case anyone reading this doesn’t know, is a twenty-pound Maine coon cat who has been living with us since he was a six-ounce Maine coon kitten. Amber has fur the color of peaches and cream, and he loves to be brushed. In fact, next to eating, being brushed is Amber’s (distantly) second-most favorite activity.

Amber has worked hard to give the overall impression that he’s dumb. Really dumb. That he’d come off second best in an IQ test against a sack of his favorite cat kibble. And he’s generally pretty successful at this.

In fact, Amber’s overall success at appearing more stupid than any ambulatory organism could possibly be should have been my first clue. But I am only now beginning to suspect that he has my password memorized, and when I go off to sleep at night he sneaks into the kitchen, gets on the computer, and—he’s blogging!

Amber is actually famous on the Web for his advice on how to look your tiptop best. He doesn’t know much about fashion, but thousands of women all around the world follow his column for the latest word in skin- and hair-care products and techniques. They all think he’s a glamorous supermodel. They have no idea he’s a guy (well–of sorts), even less that he’s a cat.

He seems to be telling me now that if I don’t get off the computer and brush him, he’s going to change his will and cut me out of it. He’s going to leave his millions to… Gwenny. But I’m not worried. I know he has it all invested in cat-food futures.