Well, you may just happen to be asking yourself, “How bad could a movie be, after all, that combines the classics with great special effects, that was written by Neil Gaiman, and whose cast includes John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, and a naked Angelina Jolie? Not to mention a villain that looks like Gollum on some very heavy-duty steroids, a villain even whose saliva is terrifying.” The answer is: Pretty darn bad.

The other thing you may be asking yourself is, “If summer daylight is so gloriously long in Scandinavia, how long are the nights there in the winter?” The answer is: Pretty darn long. At least 114 minutes too long.

So now you know. And you don’t even have to watch the movie to find out.